Devious Lizard

Well, today I read a lot- I started the campus ministries book and Harry Potter #6 (for a refresher before I see the movie). The new Phoenix song is on the radio- Lisztomania. I love it so far. Just FYI. I ate vegan waffles and a mozzarella/tomato/pesto sandwich again. So that was all pretty tasty. I went to the gym, but my knee is still effed up.  Not only does it hurt to walk, but then I looked at it, and its like... weird looking. Part of it sticks out where it shouldn't. on the side. Grrr. Hopefully I can stretch and fix it... or wear earth shoes and fix it. or something. I finally have motivation to exercise and I can't very well. On a more positive note- I got a vacuum today!!! It was $400 used. My parents are paying for $100 of it and I owe them $300. I already did my preliminary downstairs vacuuming. Tomorrow I'm hoping to clean out at least the living room area and give everything a thorough dusting/cleaning/scrubbing, etc. Then I'll move on to the rest of the house. I went to my parents' house to eat dinner with my mom, so I got to go ahead and bring the vacuum home instead of waiting til Saturday. We had homemade fish tacos, salad, and fruit. I miss home cooked meals! Then we watched the Office, so that was good. Ok, dull entry, but now I don't have to think about it so much. Lauren is in California til Tuesday, which is too bad for me. And I want to take oxycodone. It is always a bother for a few days after I take it.

 also- i want to take oxycodone all the time. i just feel so infinitely cozy on it. and so positive about life. 

So I just feel all over the place and out of control today. I think the main reason is that I don't have a vacuum cleaner. And I got up at 11 am. I want my house to be clean and organized. And I just don't feel like I can really count any room as cleaned til it has been vacuumed. I may ask my mom for a load to buy a good vacuum this week. In all honesty, I wasn't unproductive today. I just wasn't that efficient, and I feel like I remembered like a million plans and systems that I wish I had in place. I want to journal, and study nursing and Spanish before my job starts, and finish some books, and start some other books, and cook (especially vegan-ly), and decorate my room, and go outside everyday, and see friends every day, and learn how to do more with computers, and recycle, and have routine. So there's that. On the plus side, I did run the dishwasher today, and I successfully made vegan waffles this morning, and I cleaned out part of my closet, and I found a clever way to make a mealy peach edible so I didn't waste it, and I talked with Katy for almost an hour, and I showered, and I started up with the ACV, vitamins, and water routine.

On to a different subject. Blake. He is in town from now til the 18th. He started imming me a few days ago. We had a talk about the frequency that we see each other. Sigh. I told him I needed more normal hangout time. I framed it with in an "i had a horrible experience where a friend tried to force me to sleep with him" sort of way, so luckily he didn't act all rejected this time. But still. I don't want to have sex at all right now. It's fine if he wants to come over and hang out. Or go wander around Target or the bookstore with me. But even thinking about actually having sex just sends me into a panic right now.  

 So, I am just feeling lumpy and ready to drop another 5-10lb. I don't mind if after that I just kinda hang out there for a couple months,  but this current weight is just not comfortable anymore. 

I want breakfast to be toast or a waffle with peanut or almond butter.
Lunch... simple sandwich, fruit or yogurt, vegetable, treat (either chocolate or cheddar bunnies)
snack- popcorn! 
dinner- meat, vegetable, fruit, carb- if i didn't eat out so much, that would help immensely

exercise- increase running speed, times, etc 4 times per week, 2 days weightlifting for now. continue stretching

fluids- 40 ounces water, 16 oz ACV diluted.

Also. I need to remember that its ok to try to sate hunger with diet coke or carrots or crystal lite or water, etc.

At the beginning of July, I will start cutting out junk foods I suppose... I don't feel like they are really a huge issue though... Maybe instead I'll just require cooking new things weekly to encourage eating at home, and healthier things. Maybe I'll buy a new water bottle tomorrow. 

 May 12
food- half bagel/ cr ch, oj
chick salad sand, chips, cake
yogurt, nuts
fries, bread, lentil soup, veal pasta, shepherd's pie, cake, wine
exercise- kayaking!

I am still painfully full from dinner and dessert. Other than that today has been great. First thing this morning, we went on a kayaking tour! Jonathan and I, and Mom and Dad were in the double kayaks, and Patrick was in the single. The other family on the tour was really nice, and not any more athletic than we were, which was a huge plus. Patrick looked silly sporting the small life jacket, and Jonathan and I got distracted talking to Sarah (from the other family) and kept running into the marsh grass. Sarah was at Vanderbuilt, her 3rd of 5 years residency as a pediatric neurologist. Ted was her brother, we think, and he just graduated from Duke, and he's headed to UAB for the medical school. Anyway. I liked learning about the local wildlife and similar things. They talked about how the dolphins around here hunt using the stranding technique, where they beach a bunch of fish (and themselves). They do this from the right side only, because there are a lot of vital organs on the left. After our kayaking we came back for lunch and to meet the window washers (who never showed up. I was going to go to the beach, but it was kinda chilly, so I just lounged around and tried not to feel guilty about it. (I know vacation is for lounging too, I just felt like i should be really DOING something). I talked with Lauren a bit on the phone. She mentioned that she was proud of me again, for like, changing, or giving her space, or trying, or whatever. I dont know. Part of me doesn't ever want to talk about any of that ever again, and part of me just wants some sort of recognition that I don't have to take the blame for all of that. Honestly, this whole year has been really painful, regardless of the cool stuff I've been able to do. 

Anyway. Dinner. Dinner was at this French place called La Fourchette in downtown Charleston. It was really good, and we had good conversation. Jonathan and I want to sort of take on Charleston a little more whenever we're here, I think Patrick agrees. It just has so much culture to offer, and we'd like to feel more a part of it. Anyway. After dinner Mom, Patrick, and I played Scattergories, which was fun. Mom, in her usual family board games competitiveness played the words shit and KY jelly. Haha. Note to self for the future: after about 8 rounds, Patrick's answers start getting completely ridiculous and really shouldn't give him any points. 

Oh, Juliette called me today to see if I could babysit tomorrow evening. Since I won't get home in time, I can't, but the phone call made me really realize just how much I miss them. I really miss Noggin... what a sweet baby. I will have to call them when I get back to see if I can just come over or babysit while they run errands or something.

food- half bagel w/ cr ch, oj
turk sand, orzo, chips, cookies, goldfish, cashews
hushpuppies, salad, shrimp n grits, mai tai,  choc cake
exercise- bike ride

Another good day at Folly Beach. Today I woke up before 9 with no alarm. That proves to me that my life isn't where I want it to be, outside of this vacation. Because it shows that i can wake up ready to start the day, and function perfectly fine on less than 8 or nine hours of sleep. After some reading time post-breakfast, we packed up to head to the beach. Patrick and Jonathan didn't go though. Patrick went to the store and Jonathan had to get some work done, which was a little sad. Anyway, it was great weather, even though it like threatened to storm for a little while. My shoulders and chest and stomach are all a little burned, but I just love being in the sun (yes i wear sunscreen religiously, sometimes the burn just doesn't show up til later). We went in for a normal lunch, and after that I read some more. I took a nice bike ride across the island. Because I have a hard time checking for cars behind me, I practiced steering with one hand at a time and such. I love Folly- lots of eclectic people and places on the island, which are always fun to discover. After my bike ride, I finished my book in time to take a shower before dinner. I was reading Angels & Demons. I liked the science and the puzzles, but I thought the ending was kinda lacking. Not sure what it was lacking, but something. A good book and perfect beach read nonetheless. Dinner was spent at the Charleston Crab House with Fred Rose. He sings in the choir with my mom, and he is from Charleston originally. He is in town because his mother is dying (she is only 63). He is just really great. We call him Brother Fred and pretend he is the 4th child in the family. He is really hilarious and does great impressions. I am glad that he feels like my mom is his surrogate "choir mom" and that we could be supportive of him in this incredibly sad time for him. Regardless of that sadness, the dinner was cheerful to say the least. It was so much fun, in fact, that my mom ordered dessert in order to prolong it, which is really not typical of her. I talked to Blake last night. He apparently has been in Tuscaloosa for a while, working as a cook, but he is now back in Lawrenceville. He wants to take me out when I get back in town. I don't know what to think of that, but I want to go regardless. 

 May 10

food- 
half bagel, oj
leftovers- salad, pasta, rib, salmon, 2 cookies
goldfish, cashews, salad, chicken, veggie orzo, ice cream, wine, orange slices
exercise- playing in the ocean, a few short walks

Being at the beach is really awesome. I don't even think I knew how much I needed this trip. Although 4 days will probably be plenty, it is good to be with my family for the time being. Today started out with a walk with Jonathan to the Lost Dog Cafe to get him some coffee (the coffee my parents make isn't caffeinated enough for him). Unfortunately, while we were there I was sort of nearly thrown up on by a little girl. Luckily I was able to bolt out of the restaurant to wait for Jonathan and then was able to brush off the incident. When I went to wish my mom a happy mother's day, she started to say "you too!" before realizing that didn't apply, haha. Mom, Dad, Jonathan and I packed up for the beach (which, is taking longer and longer as my parents have increasing necessary items to take with them). Anyway, the weather was pretty much perfect and we spent the morning reading with a break at one point to go swim in the ocean. Mom does not participate in that. I wore my new swimsuit from Target- a bikini! for the first time in 5 or 6 years. This is probably the first year I've just been able to BE at the beach, and haven't had to spend the whole week ferociously hating my body. There is plenty I don't love about it, but, for the time, it'll do :) . My mom at one point said she was "envious of my figure" while we were out on the beach, and it made me a little sad. I am not sure why, really. I had spent so many years feeling like I had to compete with her, really, on matters of smallness. I don't know. I just want her to be happy, too. I think that mothers feeling envious of their daughters is not a new concept, but I think my mom kept me sheltered from it for a long time. I can think though, of times I've felt incredibly jealous of children, so I understand it. But I also understand how you wouldn't want to make a kid feel guilty for it. Anyway. After that, we went in for a really random hodgepodge lunch: Asian salad, seafood, italian pasta, bbq ribs. I opted to stay in after lunch to make a card for mothers day, and when I was done, it had started raining, so I didn't get back out to the beach. The card turned out well, I used puffpaint, as usual, and painted a little tomato plant and bluebird on the card since she is growing tomatoes this year. I read for a long time on the porch (Angels & Demons), and late in the afternoon, the power went out. Unfortunately, the brothers and i were supposed to be cooking dinner. The chicken we were planning on grilling anyway, so that wasn't altered. But for the orzo, we needed to roast the vegetables in the oven, and cook the pasta. Luckily we realized we have a gas stove. So we were able to light it and procede with the pasta. The vegetables we just cooked on the stove as well, and ta da! Dinner! It was funny, right as we were getting ready to serve the plates, the electricity came back on. Mom then I suppose was going to make a toast, but after she said "a toast..." she realized it was mothers day, and so she ended the statement with "to me!" haha. It was really funny. Dinner was good, and mom liked her cards and ipod we got her (just a little shuffle). Patrick brilliantly ate an entire orange slice, peel and all, with the sticker on it. After dinner we went for a walk with the whole family, including the dog. Then we settled in with ice cream and the movie Driving Miss Daisy, which none of the kids had ever seen. Good movie. I guess that is pretty much my day. I wanted to call Juliette and wish her a happy mothers day, but i got nervous and never did it. :( I need to learn to be a little more bold. Today I keep thinking about the fact that my mom lost her mom when she was 20. I just can't fathom that. It hurts to think about how horrible that must have been for my mother. My parents had just gotten married and spent their first year together driving back and forth from Atlanta to North Carolina every other weekend or so, during the gas shortage. My grandmother died of brain cancer, I think in the summer of '73. I can't imagine getting married and having kids and not being able to consult my mom, or share my kids with my mom. I wish I had been more aware of how sad it was as a kid. I probably just thought like, when you are an adult, you are an adult, who doesn't need parents. SO WRONG. Anyway, that's just been on my mind today. That and the fact that my parents are starting to age quickly. It is scary and saddening.

 May 9
wt- 52.1 kg (yay!)
vitamins, check
no exercise
food: bagel w/cr ch, coffee, slice of pizza, granola bar
chicken sandwich and tater tots from Sonic
$- nothing to report 

We had our SC "retreat" today from like 9:30 to 4. I thought it went well. We talked a lot about community, which of course is like my life motto. I felt like the priests listened to us, and like we listened to each other. Unfortunately, Tiffany made some comments to Lauren towards the end that really upset her. I hope Lauren is able to confront and resolve things soon. Anyway. After that Patrick and I left for the beach. We stopped at Sonic for dinner, note to self, maybe don't ever do that again. Too greasy. Anyway. The car ride was not super eventful, we just kinda alternated who picked the music. Upon arriving, I watched a little bit of Catch Me If You Can with Jonathan, showed him the textsfromlastnight site, and chatted with my mom on Facebook. She was like, one room over, haha.

 May 8-
wt- 52.3 kg (woohoo, down a little)
exercise- uh nice try
$- Lauren and Patrick bought my movie ticket, but I might pay them back
vitamins, check. No ACV though
food- coffee, lc pizza, cheetos
cider, granola bar, peanut butter M&Ms

Not a bad day really, for being unemployed. I got up at like 9:30 and watched Grey's Anatomy and cleaned for a good portion of the day. I did laundry and started packing and ran the dishwasher. I watched 3 episodes of Grey's. Tom came over for like 2.5 hours to "interview" me for an assignment that was due last week. So I'm not sure if he actually is going to turn it in, or if he was just like finding a reason to hang out. Anyway, he brought cider and it was fun. I feel a little of that, he's getting too close! quick run! response. Hopefully the month he's back at home will quell that. After that I headed to Lauren's, where I hung out for a bit til we left for Star Trek. I had fun, even though I'd never seen any of the old stuff. Tomorrow we have our Steering Committee thing from 9-4, which I still haven't prepared for, and then I'm leaving for the beach with Patrick. 

I am excited for my time at the beach, and time with the family. Since I am not so employed anymore, I'm thinking I might get to go back to the beach at some point, or go visit brit, or something. So that is great. I just have to talk to mom and dad about income and such. And really I need a nursing job. 

 05-07-09

For such a mathematical day, it hasn't been very good.
wt- 52.7
food- half bagel w/straw cr ch, coffee
hummus sand, cheetos, goldfish
fries, chick sand
$- uh well i lost my nannying job.
exercise- none.

Events: Went to the office from 10-2. Had to work on the linux install thing. It took forever (all day). Luckily at least the first part of the day I just got to ask Luke when I had questions. Unfortunately, he eventually left and I had to direct all my inquiries to Cliff. Also, I got a call in the middle of the day from Scott who said, "Hey I have some kinda bad news, Jules got laid off this morning. So yeah we won't be needing a nanny for a while." At one point he said that the baby would miss me, which makes me sad now because I already miss babysitting for them. I mean, I'm sure, if Juliette doesn't leave him, that they'll still hire me sporadically, but still, not the same. At first, there was a part of me that was so thankful to have some time to myself. To catch up, and to force me to slow down a little bit. I know I need that for sure. I should find a way to keep them in my life. Maybe have Juliette and Patrick over for lunch every couple of weeks or something. I'm supposed to meet up with Scott in a couple weeks to get paid. Wah. He acted like she'll quickly get another job. But I just don't know. Hell I don't know that she'll stay here. Anyway. After work I went to look at wedding dresses with Lauren and Megan. It was fun and I liked hanging out with them. After that, Lauren and I went back to her house and like uploaded the pictures, looked at venues, and watched tv (note to self, bring a book when I go over there). I wasn't really that bored, but there were times that I felt like I was just lingering. Anyway. Patrick came home, made us dinner (chicken bagel sandwiches, fries), and we watched LOST. Then Lauren and Patrick got in a fight, so I felt like I couldn't leave. Then Lauren talked on the phone with her mom for like an hour. So yeah, I felt like I kinda had to stay for a while so it didn't seem like I was just waiting to get out of there. Lauren gave me a hug and said she was sorry I lost my job. Which i guess kinda made me realize that I was sad about it too. Anyway, ever since then I've just been a little off kilter. And I don't want to go to bed, because I don't have to get up early, but I don't really have any reason to stay up. Anyway. When I got home, I found out that Tom had a really terrible day himself. And I just feel bad for him. One of his friends told the Dean that he is an alcoholic, which as far as I know, isn't true. I know I could be wrong. I am a little concerned, since she is concerned about him. Idk. I just feel like, in pain today. :(

 May 6-
wt- 53.0 kg
food- half bagel/ cr ch
lc panini, peaches, cheddar bunnies, choc goldfish
fries/ ranch, pasta, bread, sprite, 3 pc choc
exercise- yeah still none.
vitamin and ACV, check!
$- $9 at walgreens for pictures, $3 at Galaxy Diner, $46 at Kroger

Events- Woke up this morning and the power was out. When I called Cliff to tell him I'd be late, he seemed annoyed. No surprise. Grrr. Anyway got there by 10, worked on Installing Linux til Luke decided to redo something, not sure what. Then I ate lunch, then I tried to make some labels for the computer equipment. The freakin label maker though had issues. The tape that was in it was black type on neon orange, so that was no good. So I changed it to what looked normal, but the ink wasn't feeding right, and then the other label cartridges he had like, were weird sizes. Anyway, after working on it for like an hour, I finally got it done. Then I left and went to Kroger, which totally didn't meet my hopes. They didn't have Naturally More peanut butter (I got some expensive Raw Almond Butter instead), their cheddar bunnies were just as pricey as Publix, they didn't have store brand strawberry cream cheese, and they didn't have the coconut milk yogurt I discovered I like. I did get some wine for cheap though, so that was good. After that I came home and read for a bit before taking a nap (which is partly why I'm still awake). Then I went with Carmen to the Galaxy Diner because she wanted a cheeseburger, so I ate fries in support haha. At 7, Tom met me at our place and we went to St. Barts for movie night. Lauren cooked and the movie was Slumdog Millionaire, which I really enjoyed. It was a really painful and sad movie. While I know I can't know of all the suffering in the world, there is only so much I can emotionally take on before I have to just sort of take a step back. This movie was close to too much to take. It just kinda made it so blatantly obvious how much I really have. Even as a person who feels broke and financially strained all the time, I'm still incredibly fortunate. And beyond monetary stuff, just like the society I live in, isn't like, one where I have to really worry about my life and belongings being harmed or taken. Not to mention the family and friends I have. Feeling grateful and still yearning for something more and better is weird and uncomfortable. Anyway, I had a good night. Tom seems to fit in well with the church friends, which is cool. Granted, there is a level of awkwardness that is kinda mandatory to fit in with us or something. Oh well. I think he knows he's a little awkward. Not in a bad way, I'm just being honest. After the movie he kinda stayed around and chatted for a bit. Then I talked to Lauren online and had to reassure her that the rash she has does not look like "the HIV rash." She is pretty much always convinced she is dying of AIDS, cancer, or something else. Not like hypochondriac where you imagine symptoms, just like very phobic about stuff. Idk. I can relate. Even though she is more obsessive about it than I am. Ok I am tired. Must sleep.

 May 5-
I'm not even doing any margarita drinking. BUT I do have some narcotics in my system. Which is totally better.
wt- 52.7 kg
food- half bagel, coffee
coconut milk yogurt, ravioli, cheddar bunnies, granola bar
lc pizza, more cheddar bunnies, sun chips, hummus/half bagel, mini milkyways 
(too much food, grazing is dangerous, i just couldn't get full! it was weird)
$- got paid $200, spent close to that on clothes online (but half on gift cards), $9.97 at Michael's

Events:
Worked at the office from 10-1:30. It wasn't bad, mostly billing, then some instruction typing? Whatever. Then I went to Walgreens and ordered a bunch of pictures, and to Michael's for craft supplies to make Juliette's Mother's Day card. I need to make one for my mom as well... Anyway, I babysat from 3-7. I was forced into a talk with Scott about the napping thing. He just like, talked at me a lot. At least I was able to slip in the statistic on how much sleep babies SHOULD be getting. He ate, we took a walk, he slept for close to 2 hours, i tried to get him up (gently and gradually), changed his diaper, tried to get him to make the card (uh we may try it while he is sleeping), fed him, changed him, and Juliette came home. Then she and I just talked and talked for like 30 minutes about everything. She is really great. I hope that if she and Scott stay together that she gets a little more confidence to lay down the law. I just believe in her style of parenting. After that... hmm.. oh I went home and bought clothes at Old Navy online. They have petites. I just had to guess on the sizes. I picked 2 for the shorts and small for most of the shirts, XS for the tank tops. I hope most of it fits, and that I like half of it. I don't want to return it all, but this was a bit of a learning experience. What I really want to happen, is to keep the stuff I bought, and then add to it. Because I didn't order outfits, just pieces. So hopefully I won't get too lazy and will make more creative outfits than just t-shirt and jeans every day. I watched 18 kids and counting. I snacked a lot. Took an oxycodone, and I'm feelin good. I'm talking to Tom, no surprise. Can't figure out if I am attracted to him, or just like his friendship a whole lot. Either way, he's good to have around.

 May 4-
wt.- 53.0 kg
[*] vitamins
[*] apple cider vinegar
Exercise- FAIL
Food: half bagel, oj
lc pizza, yogurt, cheddar bunnies, granola bar, almonds
hot chocolate, margarita, soup, taco, chips

Events: Babysat 9-1 today. When I got there, I was told that they thought that Patrick didn't need to sleep more than 2 hours during the day, and that that was the key to him sleeping through the night. Which first of all, annoyed me, because he has only slept longer than 2 hours for me TWICE ever, and obviously he wasn't sleeping through the night.  Anyway, Scott was lurking about today, which was annoying. And as usual, Patrick took a morning nap, during which, Scott left to run errands. When he finally came home (originally he said I could leave early... that didn't happen) he walked in and was like "oh did he sleep all day?" Uh no. He has never, and will never, sleep all day. Then he told me he was going to keep the baby up all day so he could sleep at night. I left angry, upset, and like they thought I was a bad nanny, when all I try to do is maintain consistency for Noggin. I vented with mom for a while, then called Juliette and she was her usual reassuring self. Apparently Scott lurks around on her work from home days, scrutinizing everything she does. That is so disrespectful!! Juliette is so very capable. And she's his wife, and the mother to their son. Not just some lady, or a babysitter. The fact that I haven't had any more run ins with him is surprising when you consider all that. I am still reading Notes on Nursing, but I'm almost done. Florence had some good ideas, man. For dinner, Carmen and I went to some Mexican restaurant out in Oak Grove with her friends Amber and Koleigh. It was fun, but I wish we hadn't stayed quiiiiite so long. I applied to a residency at North Fulton just now. Hopefully my nursing books will come in soon. And I'm hoping that tomorrow I can order some clothes, go to Walgreens, and maybe make Patrick's handprints for the card. Ack. I am so busy, and I hate it. I just want to sleep. Or take oxycodone really. Not in a self destructive way, in an escape way. 

 May 3, 2009
wt- 53.0 kg
$-  Bought nursing textbooks online: $59.09 (Camp Nursing, NICU Nursing, Medical Spanish)
Food- cereal/ milk, oj
slice of spinach and mushroom pizza (Felini's)
applesauce, graham cracker goldfish, cheddar bunnies, chocolate, fiber one granola bar
Exercise- none
vitamins- check

Events- Church with Jonathan and Josh Pham. The sermon was about The Good Shepherd, always a good topic. Then we went to Felini's for lunch. Restarted reading Florence Nightingale's Notes on Nursing. For the most part, she has sound advice, mostly dealing with the environment of sick rooms. I had a stomachache a lot of the day. Not sure if it was from the pizza or just eating too much this weekend in general. Either way, it's a good reminder to eat healthier, and more vegetarian. Today was meat free! Gold star. Hopefully tomorrow I can start running again. Maybe I can eat lunch at Noggin's, run and lift weights at the gym (and stretch!!!) and go to Walgreen's to develop pictures. Or I guess I could try that upload them to the website thing. I need to go to Lawrenceville at some point this week, because I need my oil changed and I don't know where to get it done around here. And that way I can get my dress back from mom. And then I'll get my car washed too. Even though it rains all the time now, so the cleanliness won't stay. I am so excited about the beach trip!!! 

So, I feel like I can't remember stuff as well now. I don't know if I'm just so busy I don't have time to decompress, or if I don't like where I am in life right now so I'm subconsciously purposefully not focusing. It is moderately concerning. I spend a lot of time lately, convinced I am dying from something. I just feel very disorganized and like I can't ever get caught up. Hopefully I can keep reading every day. That would be good. I think that would be more of an indication of things being in control as opposed to something that makes me more in control. I think journalling, on the other hand, makes me feel more in control. It just helps me organize my head a little bit. Hopefully that will help my focus as well. Sigh. 

Money this month thusfar-
spent a dollar on a tip at Six Feet Under with DAYA
got $200 for noggin
Made $50 for babysitting kiley friday night
Perfected Networks paid $117
QuikTrip fillup- $20ish?

I wasn't calling to tattle on you.
I called because I thought you told your mom everything.
I called because I thought she would be on your side, and I wanted her to know, that I really do care about our friendship.
I called because I couldn't talk to you.
I called because you're like my lifeline and you severed it. I cannot talk to you about the most important things I struggle with. Yet you call me for the same reasons. I am not allowed to bring up body or food or weight yet you comment on your fat or my food.
I am a nurse and I need to be respected as such.
I am not your little sister, and i don't want to be walked all over.
I know you need to put your own well being in front of everything else. But i need to know that i'm somewhere on that totem pole list of other things and people that are important to you.
it is not my fault if you have gotten all wrapped up in my problems; i never wanted you there.
we can keep having screaming matches, but it's really not getting us anywhere. you get to vent, but i will always be waiting for the time when we can have a discussion about things.
i also need to put my own well being above others feelings. which is why when you ask for favors lately, i'm combative. see also: bitchy. you are very sensitive. and i know this. which is why i try my damnedest to keep that in mind. but i know it isn't returned. because you don't want to change who you are. which is all fine and good,  but that means you can't complain how anyone else is either. if you are bitchy, expect people to treat you like crap.
i need two way communication with you. i need to be able to tell you when you hurt me, and i need you to care. and if you don't care, i don't need to be such close friends with you.  

 Attention is about the last thing I care about concerning my eating disorder, but you are convinced it is a priority. And every time you try to apply this theory, it will seem to make sense. But I assure you, it doesn't matter. Have you not noticed how mortifying I find attention to be? Yes, let me starve myself because I want everyone to look at me, and question me, and force feed me. um no. Sure attention may play into it, because I don't feel like I deserve positive attention unless I'm acting in a certain way, but that is a side effect. Let me stop focusing on what my eating disorder is not, and explain more about what it is. It has always been a measure of control. That has always been the top priority. I do not feel like i deserve attention or love unless i am under control. I have had control issues since i was a kid, played out by my relationship with food. if my life is out of control, if i am uncontained, the self inflicted punishment is what i think i deserve. It has nothing to do with the people around me really, other than the fact that it stems from a feeling of unacceptance from my family.

Now, since this is an issue about control, mandating my eating is NOT going to get you anywhere. Yes, i did tell you that you needed to force me into eating more. This is the case when I am depressed. That is when i think that i don't deserve friends, or food, or comfort of any kind, and instead i should be in pain all the time. I see it as a sign that you care about me when you tell me i should eat something. if i am anxious, however, i take it as a sign of insensitivity and a lack of understanding. When i am anxious, i need someone to shield me from the spotlight, and tell me things are ok, that i am ok. And i need someone to be with me. That goes for pretty much every mood of mine. Although i have days where i know i NEED to be alone, I almost NEVER want it. Because I'm terrified (and convinced) it will be permanent. 

When I am not eating because i feel it is my duty for some reason, then i'm probably not really all that hungry. it is at this point that the "ok, well what is something little you could handle" is an appropriate response. this does not work in the other emotions, because when i'm depressed, i know that when i come out of it, i will have a normal appetite, even if it takes me a little longer to actually eat the food in front of me. When i am anxious i am worried that i will start to feel deprived, that the food will not be enough, and i will get really agitated, so i'd rather not eat anything, because then i won't feel guilty about being hungry at least.

And the joking thing. I really can't handle it until i feel listened to. When i'm depressed it just makes me feel all the more alone and isolated. And when i'm anxious i just want to scream and run from the room. It just like, hurts my nerves or something. Once i've been able to feel like i'm ok and people are still there even though i'm not feeling my most attractive (emotions make me feel ugly), then i can kinda revive, and yes i do really appreciate humor.

And hugs. I pretty much could use a lot of hugs every day. I mean, i went for years and years subsisting on practically zero hugs. I didn't want people to touch me, I considered myself the most disgusting human on the planet. So yeah, there are days that a hug will almost fix things. and if i'm having a really rough day, then i probably think you are through with me and never want to be my friend again, and so really a hug idk, every hour or two would really be helpful. there is a lot of shame in my life.

And about the recovery process. If you spend all of your time worrying you are enabling me, and being codependent, then that leaves very little room for actual discussion and positive things to happen. You were never enabling me. There were times, a year and a freakin half ago, that yes, i manipulated my own anxiety because i knew i'd eat less around you if i did. it had nothing to do with you or your actions, other than the fact that you are loud, and i am easily embarrassed. the end. now, you wanna know when i stopped finding our conversations to be cathartic? it was right after i told you you "always said the right things." You weren't being enabling, you were listening. There is a huge difference in being enabling and  being empowering. For the record, it is tough to  try to be codependent with or enabled by someone who is a state away who has a tendency to not answer their phone. And i've destroyed friendships over my eating issues, and i valued our friendship enough to refuse to have that sort of destructive relationship with you. In fact, the night i told you about said issues, i vowed that i wouldn't let it have anything to do with our relationship. which, was a pretty mature thing to at least strive for, right? I mean this was like back in 2007. And then i thought i was almost over it all. Anyway, i remember telling you you had a habit of saying the right things. And since then, i've felt this like, panic from you almost every time i try to talk to you about everything. The exceptions include when i got upset about my dad's fathers day gift, and when i decided i needed to tell my mom (almost) everything. I feel like you don't want to listen and you don't want to talk, because you've gotten it in your head that it is either enabling, or giving me attention, or maybe that is the same thing to you, i don't even know at this point. And you allegedly talk to everyone about me, instead of actually talking to me.

I feel like the youngest child. Not listened to, not trusted to do the appropriate thing. I feel like you do, what has been done to you all these years. You weren't listened to, and made to feel like a fuck up, and like you certainly couldn't have some important insights into your own situation. Everyone else had to try to tell you how to live and what to do. like because you are a recovering drug addict, you cannot be trusted to make ANY good decisions about yourself ever. and you certainly don't have any perspective. like that, but with food. Like there is no way that i know when i'm not eating for one reason or another, or like i don't know that only having coffee for a week straight is unhealthy. 

If i was going to eat for someone, it would be for idk, Katy or Kara. Because they get it. And if they get it, and they have still said it is ok to eat, then i trust them. Because they wouldn't tell me it was ok to eat if i was already eating too much, or if i'd eaten junk food. They'd say, i mean i trust you to do what you want, and if you overdo it, i'm sure you'll fix it. (which shows confidence in my actions.) If i wasn't eating enough though, they'd say, you know, you could really stand to eat some dinner, and not just like an apple. (which is interpreted as caring in my head). 

It's funny- in the past few days, since our most recent fight, i want more and more to return to The Land of Eating Disorders, because the fighting makes me feel distant. And in distance, the ed gives me comfort and purpose. it is my coping mechanism for not feeling like i measure up. and like i'm worthy for friendship. what? no friends? oh its ok, i've got the perfect solution- OCD, drama, all in your head! and bad food never tasted so good! If you think you were picky before, we've got the solution!! -- Dude, on that note, I ate some soup today. it was a lot better when i was starving myself all the time. Okra is like the creepiest vegetable on the planet. Also the rice was kinda chewier than it is supposed to be.

That anecdote right there is something i want to be able to laugh at with you. not get advice from. i know that when i'm starving my perspective is a little... skewed. but you don't know when i'm starving. sorry, that is a sidenote. i know that i don't eat a lot around you. i've been the person that someone didn't eat around. you may not believe me. sorry also for that. i know it is annoying. and that you just want to shake me when i do that. please resist, it won't help. it makes me feel like you are trying to control me... which, just like a kid or a teenager, i will rebel. and i'll win. because eating disorders are things that are very faithful. you'll never feel given up on by an ed. even if it kills you, it won't abandon you. that is where the safety of having an ed comes in. It may suck, but it feels like something tangible that will never leave you. when no one else understands you, there is your disorder, showing you how you can like yourself better (if you lost weight, obviously). 

i am not asking you to change who you are. i just know that i WANT to know what NOT to say to make you feel worse, even though i can't really make you feel better, so i feel obligated to let you know when things, say... embarrass me to the extent that i wouldn't be able to eat even if i weren't disordered. Like at the Advent party. Calling me out for loathing my own body is not going to make me eat. even if i don't HAVE to throw away my food, i'm going to feel too embarrassed to keep eating after that. I mean think about it. if i am usually embarrassed by eating, and something puts the spotlight on me, then its like, well crap. there goes the rest of that meal or every one is going to see what a horrible person i am. 

Anyway, for the most part, i just need to feel like i'm being listened to and sort of understood. Even if it is only on logical terms. If i know that, then i can trust you to help me make responsible decisions. I don't actually want to have an eating disorder for the rest of my life. little known fact. there was more that i was going to say and i forgot it. and my crtl z doesn't go that far back. boo. love you.

i want to cut myself to feel pain, then i want to take oxycodone to feel better, i want to throw up because i think i deserve it, and i want to sleep all day tomorrow. i want to quit my office job and go shopping.

i want to clean the house and pack for the weekend and go grocery shopping and buy healthy food and cook so i actually have food around that doesn't make me want to die from guilt when i eat it.

i want to figure out my agape and sit in front of a movie, maybe harry potter, and do crafts all day long

i want to tell noggins dad he is a tool and doesn't know what he's doing, and his kid is to tall for his clothes, buy him some outfits

I just immed all of that to Matt. I don't mean to be so dramatic. I just can't shake it today. 

wine or painkillers to sleep, then waking up is like hell every day. but i don't know if i could sleep lately without something to help. my head just won't shut up. so yeah, today i got up with the desire to kill myself. and work was just never ending. which is odd, considering that i was only there for like 5 hours. my project sucks, and i don't know what i'm doing, i can't make any progress. i'm still moderately convinced lauren is pissed at me. and i don't blame her, i'm just sorry. so i'm trying to pretend i am carefree when i talk to her, because when people know you're like freaking out, that makes them more annoyed than they were originally. i was so close to comfortable in our friendship. and what did i do? throw a tantrum over pizza and ruin everything. and when it is over with lauren, i won't be able to fix it. we don't have to talk about food, its ok. i don't care. if she doesn't want that part of my life to be out in the open, i can handle it. this is my thing anyway. its been there for the last oh 8 years or so and its not going away at this rate. i thought i was close though. i'm not telling any of our mutual friends about any time we get into fights or anything now though. they'll just fuck up the story anyway. so then babysitting, that was fine. the dad sucks but whatever. yesterday he woke baby up and then fed him too early and just effed up my whole schedule i was running on. UGH. i didn't go to the gym tonight. because i decided if i was going to be productive then i didn't have to. and when i came home i was productive, and i thought that things would get better and i'd feel accomplished, but it never happened. i took out trash and recycles, and unloaded the dishwasher, and cleaned out the fishtank and got poor little dead guy out (which actually makes me sad on top of everything else). i immed blake but he didn't want to come over. which also added insult to injury a little bit. i mean i understand, he doesn't have money for gas etc. he's just so distant, and i just want him to be a fuck buddy, not my boyfriend, so it seems like he shouldn't be all elusive like that. then carmen came home, and hadn't eaten dinner. if she hadn't decided to eat, then i really would have lasted. instead i had flatbread, a mini twix, and a handful of cheezits. and all i wanted to do was gorge myself on whatever we had in the house. i haven't felt like that in forever. it was horrible. i waited it out, it took like an hour before i was really resigned to not eating. And i am not hungry in the least now, but i still feel that embarrassment and lack of control. so that is where all that outburst from the top came in.

Weight: 51.3 kg (yay!)

Food: lunch was pasta and flat bread, dinner was at O'Charley's with Carmen

Events: Well let's see... I woke up at Lauren's at like 10:45. Came home a couple hours later and ate some tortellini with this tomato alfredo sauce and some flat bread. It wasn't very good, actually, and ever since then I've felt kinda nauseated off an on. Then I hardcore cleaned my bathroom, did two loads of laundry (including my bathroom rug and my sheets), straightened my room and desk, then watched part of a documentary on Mormonism. Carmen came home and we swapped weekend stories then went to Target and O'Charleys. At target we each bought some on sale post-valentines day chocolate. O'Charleys was suffering from an onslaught of young gymnasts and their parents, so we had to wait for a table for like half an hour. Our waiter was exceptionally awkward. I still didn't feel very well, so I didn't eat as much as I normally would, but I still managed to eat a decent amount (even though it totally wasn't worth it since I was anxious the whole time).

Its been a dramatic weekend. Friday and Saturday Lauren and I got into fights. I'm not talking to any of our mutual friends about it, ever again actually. Because they get the details wrong and apparently tell her how horrible and mean she is to me or something. And that just isn't true. And I'm sure they don't understand any of the eating issues at hand anyway, so its pointless. Also, I don't trust the people who give her advice about me. I don't even really trust most therapists' advice on this one. If they knew what they were doing, there wouldn't be so many dead anorexics. 

We went shopping yesterday at the outlets, which started out pretty well, and Lauren was really helpful. I bought two pairs of jeans and two shirts at Banana Republic. Then we started fighting about shopping. And then I wanted to die. Then we got in another fight in the car. And I don't even remember how we left things. I'm just drained from all of it, and feel really lonely. 

Last night though, was fantastic. We went to the cookout at James and Ashley's. The people there kept my champagne glass full. Then we went to Ryan's and he gave me some Cheddar Bunnies. Then Ryan, Patrick, Lauren, Will, and I went to Fado. By the end of the night, I kissed Patrick and Ryan, and Lauren actually. Weird, all of that, but amusing as well I'd say. When we got back to Ryans, I had more bunnies and he made me a cup of coffee in his $2000 machine. Then Patrick, Lauren and I went back to their house and had a sleepover on the couch.

Sunday, June 15
Well that was Father's Day.
Intake- bagel, cream cheese, coffee w/ honey
veggie burger, fries, brownie w/ ice cream
pizza, salad
Exercise- 15 minute run
Events- Patrick and I took Dad out to breakfast at Panera and then went with him to Christ Church. After that we went to the Cathedral to pick up Mom. I wandered around the bookstore and found this awesome book of Episcopalian haikus. Then we went to Houston's for lunch. I gave dad two books, one of which I read before I gave it to him:
I really liked the history and science of what we've done to food and it really makes me more conscious of what I'm eating. After we got home I don't think I did anything of importance. After dinner I went running.

Monday, June 16
Weight- 57.5 kg
Intake- smoothie
chicken/cheese sandwich, sunchips, apple, yogurt
chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, biscuit, wine
Exercise- 25 min walk

Events- I got up, took a walk and talked on the phone with Matt. Then I showered and finished Water for Elephants. Then I watched Jon and Kate Plus 8 and Trading Spouses. Then mom and I got into a huge fight. It was, as usual, horrible. It started with her asking me if I was going to ever be productive this week, which I took offense to. Then it escalated to how I'm always just trying to figure out what she expects from me. This lasted from 2:00-4:45pm. Luckily I got a couple texts with some prospective plans so I wasn't going to be trapped in the house all night.
After dinner I went to Elizabeth Broome's apartment to study. The studying lasted a couple hours, and then we just sat and talked til like 2 in the morning. Turns out we are like the same person. Not totally, but there are enough similarities for it to be amusing: Episcopalian, Elizabeth B, nurses (specifically with Peds preference), somewhat OCD, "formerly" ED, now just kinda uncertain relationship with food. Anyway, I'm excited to be friends with her, and I think we'll have fun hanging out this fall. She's headed to Auburn for like a week now though to stay with William, her bf, because I'm pretty much the only person she knows in Atlanta besides her brother.

Oh life, how unmanageable you are lately! Not really for any reason other than that I haven't been writing things down and dutifully keeping track of all my lists.

So today my weight was inexplicably 58.0 kg. Thursday it was 56.5 so I dunno what's going on.

Yesterday- Saturday June 14th

Weight- 57.4 kg
Intake- bacon biscuit, sushi, cookie
apple, pretzels, sub, chips
Exercise- hiked at Stone Mountain

Events- Today I got up and just kinda read and sat around for a while, then Mom and I went to this guy's house to look at some furniture that was for sale. It was a good deal other than the fact that the stuff was rather beat up. I decided I needed to keep looking and use that as a backup. Then we went to the grocery store. For some reason, I was incredibly anxious, so I couldn't focus really. Also, I was wearing my new chacos, which are great, but they weren't adjusted correctly at first so they felt like they were going to dislocate my toe. I also found almond milk! So that was good. I haven't tried it yet; I'm planning on putting it in my smoothies. The tofu is just too disturbing right now.
After we got back, we ate lunch and I got ready for the DAYA hike. It was great. We were a little worried about the weather, but none of us wanted to cancel it. I met Charles, Sarah, Ethan, and Thad at the Target on 78 and from there we proceeded to the mountain! Or, as Thad called it, "a giant 2nd place trophy." We hiked up the mountain, watching the ominous clouds as we went. Once we got to the top we hung out inside while the storm... stormed. We ran into Tracy and her friend Josh, who were originally planning on coming and then backed out, and then showed up, haha. We bought cards from the gift shop and played BS and watched the youth group from Dallas act dramatic and... youth group-like. After that we wandered around at the summit for a while and took pictures. It was windy and cool, as well as scenic. We got this old guy to take a group photo and then settled down for a snack break before heading back down the mountain. The trip down was a little intense, as the moss on the rocks made footing difficult at best (Charles fell, I slid, etc). We walked at a "moderate mosey" and discussed various walking speeds. Also, when warning a little hiking family about the slipperiness of the rocks, Charles happened to mention the "killer moss." One of the concerned children then asked, "What can the killer moss do to you?" with a very worried expression. After we got down the mountain, we gathered our picnic things from the car and staked out a spot. We listened to the horrible remixes of songs from the past 25 years and watched as Hudson's mother tried to keep the curious toddler corralled with little success.
Finally, after much anticipation, the laser show began. Ridiculous. My favorite part was by far when the generals and their horses were traced, and then started trotting across the rock. Only to be defeated by the north. And the country was sewn back together by the hands of Betsy Ross. Although my favorite flag design was the one with the inadvertent frowny face in it.
 

After the laser show, and battling traffic in the parking lot, I went home and went to bed.